From Crappy to Happy

Goal Setting For Stuck People

2012-01-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

As a life coach, clients always ask me about how to set goals for themselves and how to follow through on those goals. Now that it’s been a few weeks since New Year's, your resolve to make big changes may be waning. Do not fear! I am here to help! Let’s get serious about getting what you want. I call it “Goal Setting For Stuck People.”

Step One- Identify what you want

Step Two- Why do you want it?

Step Three- How do I think I’ll feel when I have what I want?

This process is deceptively simple. Knowing why we want something is very important because the motivation to accomplish your goal is inherent in the “why”. The “how will I feel when I have it” step is vital because it gives you a sneak peak at what it will be like once you’ve put in the work to get what you want. You are actually previewing the result before you even take the first step. This will get you into the right frame of mind when you focus on the feeling of the outcome.

You will experience far more success in all areas of life when you dwell in a sense that your goal has already been achieved. (Which looks a bit like “fake it ‘til you make it.”)

I’m not suggesting that you go around faking your way through life. What I am suggesting is that you act as if you already have what you want. When you want to get into shape, you must think like an athlete. You must think of food as fuel that gives your body the nutrition it needs to attain maximum fitness. You stretch, condition and care for your body to keep it in premium working condition. When we think this way, our actions follow.

Here is an exercise from Martha Beck that utilizes this technique perfectly. Try this:

Treasuring the Future- Now

*Choose one item from your list of heart’s desires

*Vividly imagine that you’ve already got it

*Go through it methodically by sense:

How does this scene sound, look smell, feel, taste? *Continue to experience it for at least 10 minutes

*Focus on “treasuring” your heart’s desire 10 minutes a day for a whole month!

While spending your time on this exercise, simultaneously begin work on what you want. That means looking at each one of your heart’s desires and make one small step towards achieving that goal.

If the steps bring you anxiety and feel out of your comfort zone- GOOD. That means it’s a stretch. Doing what you’ve always done isn’t going to put you on the road to your dreams, because if it did- you’d already be there.

Use rewards for putting in the time to get what you want! Do something nice for yourself to reward your progress. Don’t wait until your goal is achieved. Milestones are worthy of rewards. This way you stay on track to behave your way to your heart’s desires.

For example:

I want a healthy body. I hate exercise. I will motivate myself with stickers on my calendar for every time I exercise, and after 10 workouts do something nice for myself.

Ex. In my case, a manicure.

After 20, a new outfit.

After 30, a sparkly bauble that is fun, and unnecessary.

After 40, a massage.

Notice I am rewarding the healthy behavior, not pounds lost. The weight loss comes as a byproduct of my new healthy life style.

GOAL FORMULA:

IDENTIFY MY GOAL-WHAT DO I WANT?

WHY DO I WANT IT?

HOW WILL ATTAINING IT MAKE ME FEEL?

HOW CAN I GIVE MYSELF THAT FEELING TODAY?

WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE TO MOVE CLOSER TO MY GOAL?

WHAT REWARD WILL I GIVE MYSELF? AT WHAT INTERVAL?

Make sure to do this with a sense of wellbeing and calm, rather than a needy or graspy kind of energy. Neediness is a repellant. People and things will run from you if they get even a whiff of it.

Enlist supportive people in your circle to support you in attaining your goals. Better yet, get a friend to partner with and support each other, while holding each other accountable.

Get yourself in the habit of dreaming big...like really big.

Martha Beck calls them WILDLY IMPROBABLE GOALS, or WIG’s for short.

Just saying what they are out loud starts the process of the universe conspiring to manifest your desires. Really.

How to Have a Meaningful Christmas Without Breaking the Bank and Losing Your Marbles

2011-12-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of knocking yourself out year after year? Are you trying to please everyone with your gifts, Christmas Cards, and compulsory newsletter? How about the holiday meal making, cookie baking, and tradition sharing? Do you ever dread the decorating, shopping, parking, planning, photo taking, wrapping, mailing- and then possibly after all of that, the whining? The testiness, the exhaustion, and the debt? What if I told you that all of this is optional? This is your freakin’ Christmas too, dammit. You have a right to pick how you spend it.

I once went to a pre-holiday shopping event at my friend Diana’s house. Her display of delectable holiday goodies amazed me, her homemade hot buttered rum impressed me. Diana told me that she already had sent her Christmas cards-in October- to a place in Alaska called “North Pole” so that her envelopes would have that whimsical postmark. She also made her girls a truly unbelievable scrapbook every year as a gift, complete with fabulous quotes she found inspiring and apropos- in her handwriting so gorgeous it should be a font. When I left her house, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until February. How could I ever measure up to this perfection? My handwriting doesn’t look like that! I didn’t know people actually drank hot buttered rum, let alone made it at home! I was completely confounded about her ability to mail Christmas cards from the North freakin’ Pole in October- a picture card of course, where her girls are wearing matching velvet pinafores and Mary Janes, curled hair, and serene expressions on their beautiful faces. My Christmas photo that I took of my boys had been taken on December 23^rd, under extreme duress, and possibly death threats. I’m not sure, I think I blocked it out after I saw my older son put his baby brother in a headlock.

Then something interesting happened to my friend Diana. She called me a few days before Christmas- hysterical. I thought something truly awful had happened to her, and I braced myself for her response when I asked her what was wrong. Diana told me her family had cut themselves a magnificent tree in the mountain woods and dragged it home. It was so wide that it wouldn’t fit through the front door- and she lost her cookies, right then and there. Because her friggin perfect Christmas tree from the magic forest didn’t fit through the door. I tried to console her, but she had already gone bat-shit crazy from the ridiculous, intense pressure she had put on herself to make a very Martha Stewart Christmas. After the hyperventilating, sobbing, shaking and crying was over (I wish I was exaggerating. I’m not), she told me of all the tasks she hadn’t done yet-small things, like buying presents for her family- and proceeded to get a nasty migraine that kept her in her cold dark bedroom for the next few days, and Christmas. I think her holiday was spent snuggled up next to her bottle of Imitrex with a cool cloth on her head. Not a very merry Christmas for Diana.

Sometime after the “too fat Christmas tree debacle”, I realized that I , too, was doing things that I thought my family cared about, but didn’t. When I didn’t get a thank you or a pat on the back, I got pissy. I put so much pressure on myself to make every Christmas so wonderful, that I was actually running myself ragged, making myself crazy, and I always got sick the week before the big day.

While discussing this problem with my friend and fellow coach Connie Larson, we discovered a way to make sure that everyone in the family has the Christmas season that they want. We came up with a series of questions that has freed us from much of the holiday hysteria we used to encounter. Here are the magic questions…

What are your top 3 holiday memories and why ?

What are 3 foods you can’t live without eating during the holidays?

What are 3 of your favorite holiday smells?

What are 3 things you want to see at Christmastime?

What kind of music, TV shows, or movies to you want to hear or watch?

Where do you want to go and who do you want to see during the holiday season?

Don’t forget to answer these questions yourself. The object of these questions is to get your loved ones focused on what they want to feel over the holidays, so that you don’t run around guessing and spending time and money on things that no one cares about. It is also a very easy way to track that everyone is experiencing their favorite things during this special time. Now that you have compiled the list of holiday want to’s- say NO to anything that isn’t on the list. Unless something extra makes you and your family feel good, don’t do it. If you need permission, I’m giving it to you. It feels great to focus on the feelings you want to have more than you focus on buying. It truly does feel better to FEEL than FILL.

Get Your Flake On

2011-11-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

I would imagine that the organizers of the Oscars are pretty perturbed with Eddie Murphy right now. He just bailed out of hosting the academy awards after learning that his friend, producer Brett Ratner, resigned (long story, google it). Normally, I would think- "Wow, what a prima donna. He made a commitment, he should stick to it." Now I'm not so sure. The situation under which he made the agreement had changed. Maybe he decided he didn't feel good about doing the show without his friend for whatever reason. So he backed out. It happens all the time.

I was supposed to be somewhere else today. A dear friend invited me to take part in a life coaching clinic with her at a huge conference in downtown San Francisco. We were to be volunteers, laser coaching participants in 15-20 minute sessions for several hours. It was for a good cause, but not anything near or dear to my heart. But my friend was excited about it, so I was excited about it.

My friend called me last weekend to tell me she broke her leg and was now unable to drive, much less hobble around a large convention center. I soon realized that I was now committed to go to this event alone-where the organizers were expecting 30,000 people. Where I didn't know a soul, and my only anchor to this event was stuck at home, laid up and unable to participate. My friend later told me she was really surprised by my terror, because I am such an extrovert and never seem to shy away from a social occasion. True, I told her, but on my terms. She had no idea that crowds give me hives, and that the thought of being there without her literally made me ill. A wave of nausea washed over me, and then I tried to talk myself into going to the event alone. Try as I might, I couldn't let go of the sick feeling I had inside, or the urge to run for the hills.

So, I did the irresponsible thing and cancelled. Yeah, I did. Even though I had committed to being there to volunteer my time and talents for a good cause. Even though I knew the organizer was probably having a hard enough time replacing one coach, and now, I was asking her to replace two. Even though it was a great opportunity to create new business contacts and meet potential new clients. I didn't even have any sort of scheduling conflict I could blame, although it did run through my mind that I could make up a story. Yes, I could lie and tell the organizer that I wasn't actually flaky, but this pretend thing had happened to me and so I just couldn't make it to the event, and sorry, sorry, sorry.....etc. But, that's not what I did. I told her the truth. I told her that I knew that I had committed to this event, but now that the situation had changed (i.e., my friend can't be there, and now, I don't want to be there without her), and I was very uncomfortable participating alone. I gave her a week's notice to find someone else. I wished her luck and told her I was genuinely sorry that I felt I needed to back out. I'm sure she's pissed, and I totally understand why she would be.

Here's the thing I want to discuss- the situation that I had agreed to be a part of changed. When I made the agreement, it was to be my friend and I, super buddies, volunteering and saving the world...blah blah blah. But she broke her leg....and for me, that changed the game. Even a few years ago, backing out would have been unthinkable to me. I would have gone to the event, after dreading it for a week, felt queasy, fulfilled my obligation, and then been pissed off at myself for following through with something that didn't feel good to me. Because I used to do things all the time that felt icky to me, and I used to think I had no choice. I would have acted on thoughts like "Once you make a commitment, you stick to it. No matter what. Just buck up and get it done." What I have realized after years of working to become my most authentic self, is that I can sometimes change my mind when the parameters of situation I agreed to change.

Crazy, right? I can change my mind, even if the only reason is cuz I don't want to. I've learned that it is important for me to consider my feelings as well as the feelings of others when I make a commitment. Since coming upon this radical idea, my life has become immeasurably better, lighter and happier. I almost always do what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it- but now I give myself an escape hatch in case of "feeling icky" about it. And you know what? People get over it. Because I am reliable 99% of the time to other people. It's just that now I'm reliable 100% of the time to me.

Controlling, Critical and Splitter Vampires

2011-07-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

The last three vampire types according to Dr. Judith Orloff are:

The Controlling Vampire-

This vampire starts sentences with “You know what you need to do about that is…..”

They want to tell you how to feel and what to do and who you are supposed to be.

Remember the movie Sleeping With the Enemy?

Yeah, like him.

Things need to be a certain way- his way, or they are wrong.

There are policies and procedures that only he knows, but he thinks his yardstick is the only one to measure by.

He’s not really controlling in his eyes, he’s just right.

How can he help it?

Controller Kryptonite-

A CHEERFUL BACKBONE.

Thank the controller vampire for their concern or input, and then tell them that you’d like to try it your way.

Or, hmm, I didn’t think of it that way.

Or- how interesting!

Then walk away.

Do not get into a pissing contest with a controller vampire- they have a will of steel and will argue their point until a murder/suicide feels like a good option.

The Critical Vampire-

A close cousin of the controlling vampire is the criticizing vampire, who feels it is their mission to let you know just where you fall short and where you need improvement.

They really feel they are being helpful by judging you and giving “constructive feedback” because if they don’t tell you, how will you ever improve?

When you’re in the presence of a critical vampire, your self-esteem goes into the toilet, you question your worth, your choices and your sanity.

It’s all the more confusing because many times this vampire is someone close to you who is telling you for your “own good”.

Critical Kryptonite-

CONFIDENCE-

Tell the criticizer that you hear what they are saying, but when they behave in a critical manner, it makes it hard for you to listen.

Let them know that their criticism doesn’t feel helpful, the source and think about how hard it must be for the criticizer to live in their own head, where they are way more critical of themselves than they are of you.

Don’t beat yourself up if that doesn’t really make you feel any better, but just consider it.

The Splitter Vampire-

This borderline personality disorder of a vampire sees things in black and white, good and bad, love and hate- with nothing in between.

First you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, then you are the hair in their soup.

This vampire is skilled at pitting people against each other, spreading lies, acting out in hateful rages, and keeping people off balance for fear of inciting their wrath.

They give mixed messages like “I hate you/Don’t leave me.”

Dealing with a splitter vampire will keep you unsettled, nervous, feeling persecuted and guarded with your true feelings.

You do not want to get on the wrong side of this vampire.

Splitter Kryptonite-

BIG FAT HAIRY INPENATRABLE BOUNDARY-

Expect nothing from this person because you can expect anything from this person.

Go into any interaction with this person with your big huge imaginary bubble of white light around you and try to remain in your most peaceful state of neutrality.

Refuse to be taken by surprise and expect the unexpected.

If all else fails, run!

Remember that you choose who you spend your time with, where you work and who you love.

Do not accept an emotional vampire’s negativity by playing by their rules.

Exercise your right to self-determination and spend time with those who nurture you, support you, make you laugh, and make you feel seen and heard.

You deserve no less.

The Narcissist and Victim Vampires

2011-07-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

Dr. Judith Orloff identifies five emotional vampire types in her book “Emotional Freedom”.

They are:

1) The Narcissist

2) The Victim

3) The Controller

4) The Criticizer

5) The Splitter

The Narcissist Vampire-

You know that joke-“Enough about me, what do YOU think about me?”

Yup, that’s a narcissist.

Everything is about them.

They believe they are extremely special, love the spotlight, and feel very entitled to attention and admiration.

They are dangerous because they lack empathy and have a very limited ability to love.

The Narcissist Vampire can be very charming- but it’s a ruse to obtain your sympathy, attention, admiration, soul...

Narcissist Kryptonite- DISINTEREST.

Do NOT try to please this person- you will end up in an inescapable black hole of emotional need.

You will never measure up, do enough, or be enough.

Make sure that you keep your boundaries up, yourself centered, and do not fall for any new bait- which consists of more drama and emotional hooks.

The Victim Vampire-

Debby Downer or Needy Neighbor.

“Poor me, woe is me, everyone is mean to me, I am a martyr, and nothing is ever my fault.”

It’s always someone else putting him in a bad situation.

“I’m the black sheep, I never get promoted, I never get to do what I want, other people are trying to keep me down, they’re jealous of me...etc.”

Here in America, victimhood is a choice- but you’d never know it coming from this vampire.

You’ll know you’ve hit your limit with a victim if you never want to answer her calls, stall making plans,

feel drained by her requests for time, assistance or attention, her neediness pulls you into a funk.

Victim Kryptonite- DISENGAGEMENT.

You can say, “I’m sorry that happened and I can see you are very upset about this situation. I can listen for a few minutes- but you need to come up with a strategy to overcome this problem.”

Feeling sorry for our selves rarely helps anything, so suggest a serving of gratitude with a helping of optimism and call it a day.

Next time we will look at controller and criticizer vampires.

How to Combat an Emotional Vampire

2011-07-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Within the last several years, it seems that all things “vampire” have become cool- the wildly successful Twilight series, True Blood, etc.

With one exception, the emotional vampire.

Dr. Judith Orloff defines them as “people who suck the serenity and optimism right out of you.”

Dr. Martha Beck calls them “emotional muggers”.

No matter what you call them, you know one when you see one-or rather, know one when you feel one, but unfortunately, we may not be able to pry ourselves out of their desperate grasp until the damage is already done.

Depending on the skill of the vampire at hand, it could be hours or days until you start to feel like yourself again.

Here are the signs you are in the clutches of an emotional vampire:

-You get the urge to bolt, but for some reason feel like you are standing in quicksand.

-You are afraid to seem impolite, and keep thinking of possible ways you can get out of the conversation.

-You feel that you are supposed to care about or feel sorry for the person speaking, but you don’t.

-You may be asking yourself, “Why is this person telling me this?”

-Your gut is screaming “DANGER”, but you remain strangely passive and unsure of yourself.

-You feel sleepy, very sleepy.

-You may feel attacked or “slimed”.

-You may get the urge to drink or eat some comfort food.

I always tell my clients to pay attention to how they feel when they leave a person, group or environment.

If you leave an interaction feeling any of the above mentioned ways, ask yourself what about it caused you to feel icky.

If you see a pattern where you usually feel “icky” after you see someone- it’s time for a relationship evaluation.

The vampire brings you in with a tentacle, attaches with a vice-like grip, and holds on until you are sucked under.

They do it by hooking you with drama, stirring up your emotions, or pushing your buttons.

I was recently facilitating a group where a woman decided it was time to tell her story after the group was gathering their things to leave.

She launched into a drama filled rant where she carefully left breadcrumbs of worry for her safety, leading us to ask her if she needed a restraining order.

It was only a few minutes into her story before I realized this woman was an energy vampire.

She continued to talk ad nauseum and undeterred, even after participants were leaving the meeting!

It was only after several facilitators stood up and pushed in our chairs that she stopped talking.

I left feeling like I’d been held hostage, slimed, and depleted.

The next morning I still felt crappy, and then remembered what this vampire told us she did for a living.

She’s a phlebotomist- she takes people’s blood for a living.

Honest to God, true story.

The irony of the situation was beyond belief.

You are in danger of attracting an energy vampire if:

You are a people pleaser, a “nice” girl, hate being rude, need work on your self esteem, have depression, or routinely play the role of victim.

We tend to attract vampires who mirror unresolved issues in ourselves.

Once we can find the pattern, we can work on healing it so that we can develop a super-shield against it, rather than a funnel for attracting it.

My next blog will be about the 5 types of Emotional Vampires, and what you can do to prevent needing a transfusion when you encounter them.

Lock Up Your Inner Mean Girl

2011-05-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

We've all had the delicious pleasure of encountering a mean girl in our youth.

You may have even been her prey.

Due to my dad's career as a corporate climber, I was the new girl every couple of years, and my arrival made me fresh meat for the resident mean girls at my new school.

The worst part was that I was NICE- actually pretending to ignore their hateful remarks and rude stares.

I was taught that if you just ignore them, they will get tired of picking on you and leave you alone.

That actually didn't work any better than trying to gently pet a rabid dog, and I think it just made me easy pickins.

Thankfully I went on to college, where I felt fully accepted and appreciated for my uniqueness, and the road from there on out was so much easier.

In the outside world, but not in my own head.

See, each mean girl seemed to morph all of her most obnoxious traits into an amalgam, which gave birth to my own INNER mean girl- a wretched bitch if I may say so, that has something nasty to say about a lot of the things I feel, say, do or wear.

If you were unfortunate enough to have family members who liked to kick your self esteem around for sport, add their nasty voices to the scrum as well.

In response to this, I propose a revolt.

Yes, I want you to lock up your inner mean girl.

Just shut that bitch up- here's how.

INVESTIGATE her-

Keep a log of her put downs for a day.

What's her MO?

What does she say?

When does she strike?

What provokes her?

PICK HER OUT OF A LINE UP-

Go back to the scene of the crime- in this case- the slanderous remark.

Where have you heard that voice before? Does it sound familiar?

Your inner mean girl is usually just a copy cat, picking up for the real mean girl where she left off.

You don't have to believe every thought that goes through your mind.

Some of these thoughts aren't even yours.

Which is why I am perfectly fine with stopping her in her tracks.

Draw a composite sketch of the perp.

Give her a name.

Now we are separating her from you, which makes it much easier to squelch her without remorse.

PUT HER ON TRIAL-

Is her testimony truthful?

Does she tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help her God? 100% of the time?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Mean girls lie. They lie to make themselves feel better because they feel woefully inadequate.

So, believing her story is like believing the guy who said the world was ending May 21st.

You could, but in order to do so you probably depleted your savings, racked up a boat load of credit card debt and went on a wild goose chase because you listened to a delusional nut case with a ridiculous ego.

Wait, that really happened.

But it doesn't have to happen to you.

SEND HER TO THE SLAMMER-

If this sounds harsh, call it "reform school"and assuage your guilt.

Picture her in a very institutional time out at the detention facility of your choice.

Tell her it's time for her to take care of her own mess and move on.

It's justifiable self-defense.

REHABILITATE YOURSELF-

The time for self inflicted pain is over.

As part of your rehabilitation process, you must learn to love each scar, each vulnerability, each "imperfection".

Perfection is passe- it's boring, unattainable and lacks character.

I tell my clients who are going through a very difficult time to take care of themselves as they would a small child.

They usually register a degree of shock on their faces, not because the idea sounds ludicrous, but because it makes them realize how unkind they have been treating themselves.

SET YOURSELF FREE-

You are now free to look at yourself as you would a baby in a nursery.

Are there any "unworthy" babies there?

Any babies who would be perfect if they would just stop being so lazy, stupid, or unloveable?

Of course not, what kind of a whack job would think such a thing?

It's no different for us adults, just because our spirit suits (bodies) have cellulite, wrinkles or hairy backs.

Each of us is a magnificent creation, filled with amazing capabilities and endless possibility.

So, the next time you hear that mean girl spew something toxic, tell her to zip it or else.

As I heard Martha Beck say, "Self loathing is so 20th century."

It's a new age, give your inner mean girl up to the feds and watch your self esteem soar.

STOP SETTLING!!! WHAT ARE YOU MAKING OK THAT ISN’T?

2011-04-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” Maureen Dowd

Heard your self say any of these things lately?

It’s not THAT bad.

I guess it will have to do.

I couldn’t find anything else I liked, so I ended up with this one.

He/She wouldn’t normally have done that, said that, behaved that way. He/she was just tired (stressed, cranky, overworked, horny, sick, hungry, drunk, not thinking…fill in your excuse de jour here)

It doesn’t happen that much.

That’s just how he is. I just have to deal with it.

That’s how she was raised.

She doesn’t even know she’s being rude!

One of these days I am going to tell him that…

As soon as I (fill in the blank), then I will be able to (blank).

They didn’t mean it.

That’s just the way it is.

Someday it will be different-when I have more time (or money, health, kids are older, have a baby, get married, get a divorce, get a new job)

Step One- What are you settling for?

What are the last five things you complained about?

Write them down, is there something there that you are making ok that really isn’t?

Step Two- Why are you settling for it?

Are you afraid that this is all you can have?

Are you afraid to change your circumstances because you are afraid of the unknown? (The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t)

Do you feel like you deserve it? Or do you feel that you made your bed and now you must lie in it?

Step 3- Do you see a pattern?

Do you notice that you are settling in a certain area of your life? Relationships, career, money, material things- or just life in general?

If you notice settling in one area- ask your self a question. What thought goes through your mind when I say, “What am I telling myself to make this ok?” It may be a self-defeating phrase you heard from your parent or teacher.

Examples-

So you think you’re special, huh?

Life’s a bitch, and then you die.

Life isn’t fair.

You can’t have everything.

You’re LUCKY to even HAVE a boyfriend!

At least you’re not alone!

People like us can’t expect more.

This is the life you chose.

Yuck! I am feeling sick just typing these phrases. Can you see the passivity in these statements? The victim mentality? The “WHO the HELL am I to WANT MORE?” These statements are no more than your ego shielding itself from complete defeat- the idea being if you don’t want for more than what you have, you’ll never be disappointed.

Step 4- Cut the Crap

You will never be able to have more for yourself if you don’t feel like you deserve it. This is a self worth issue. Does someone else deserve to be happier, thinner, richer, more loved, more respected, or more successful than you? Why? If the answer is yes- please see me for coaching! If the answer is no, you must….

Step 5-Envision What You Want

Allow yourself to imagine what it would be like to have what you want. The AWARENESS is all you need. Focus on the opportunities that may come you way courtesy of the universe.

Step 6-Decide That You Are WORTH It!

Use that thing that keeps you from falling over called a BACKBONE and stand up for yourself. Find small ways to assert your new attitude (like sending back your salad with the wrong dressing, or returning clothing that doesn’t fit quite right) and work your way up to some bigger things (asking for a promotion, a raise, flexible hours, better treatment, friends that don’t talk behind your back.)

What is the first thing you want to stop settling for?

Why do you want to stop allowing it?

What do you tell yourself to make it ok to settle?

What can your replacement thoughts be?

How will you feel when you hold out for what you really want?

Overcome the impulse to settle and you'll find that you are living a life that exceeds your wildest expectations.

How I Raised a Successful Kid

2011-01-31T21:27:00.000-08:00

   Before my son Tyler turned 2, his favorite toys were dump trucks and his tool belt. He would scurry around the house with his plastic hammer and ask me what he could "fix" for me. When Tyler wanted me to read to him, it was always the books about construction equipment that he picked out. He used to sit on the back of the couch that backed against a window of our new house so that he could take in the construction going on in our new neighborhood that was being built around us. Then he would take all of his construction toys and reenact the scenario on our family room floor. Tyler did this literally every day for years. His biggest dream in the world was to drive a bobcat, but in the meantime he would talk to me about front loader back hoes and auger drillers.   We had numerous construction themed birthday parties, which worked out great because I didn't have to peel the tool belt off of his body before the big event. As Tyler got older, he graduated to playing with legos- constructing amazing structures with a laser like focus. After that came woodworking and robot building. Whenever I needed something to be put together, Tyler was cheerfully on the job.
   You may be asking how he juggled all of this love of construction with piano lessons, soccer, and French club. Well, he didn't. After school, Tyler did this thing we've forgotten about here in America called playing. He actually used his imagination without any direction from me, or anyone else. Somewhere in our quest for raising the perfect child, we forgot that kids actually learn from playing. We have scheduled our kids to tightly that they practically need their own assistant to get them ready and keep them organized. Oops, that job falls to us parents, doesn't it?
   How did I come upon this highly irregular form of parenting? I wish I could say it was because I was above wanting my kid to be the best, strongest, fastest, smartest, kindest, most amazing child ever. But that would be a lie. What I did actually do though was really listen to Tyler. Which wasn't really that hard because he was screaming- or throwing some sort of fit. He would drag his feet and get all cranky and eye rolling on me when I would tell him it was time for baseball practice. When I would try to take him to some wonderful puppet show performance at the library to broaden his cultural horizons, he would tell me it was dumb. After a while I got so tired of signing him up for activity after activity, and then having to listen to the kvetching all the way there and back- I just stopped. Why was I spending money and time to take him to events and classes that he plainly didn't want to go to - and making myself crazy in the process? Because "everyone else" was, and you know if you want your kid to get into a good college, they need to have several talents, clubs and sports. And don't forget about the 14,000 volunteer hours either. If you don't do it, your kid will end up living in a two-story Dorito bag- poor, unskilled and probably toothless.
   Now I fully realize that everything I've said would distress that "Tiger Mother" Amy Chua terribly, considering that I treat my children as actual individuals with their own thoughts, likes and dislikes -rather than pack animals to be herded about to violin lessons and SAT prep classes for toddlers. Apparently I should be demanding that my child be first in his class in everything or I should just hang up my uterus and go home. My area has loads of "Tiger Mothers", and as a former teacher let me tell you something I have noticed about the kids that are raised this way. These kids cry when they get an A- on a test, because their parents will be very mad at them. If you ask them a question about what they think about a certain subject, they have a very hard time answering you because they don't know what the "right" answer is. As if there is one. Because for these kids, there is always a right answer.
   Today Tyler is 18, and a freshman at Cal State Chico. He is studying construction management, the perfect combination of Tyler's favorite things- building stuff, and telling other people what to do. Preferably with a bull horn, because he also loves the sound of his own voice. This won't embarrass him if he reads it, he's proud of these traits. As he should be. He followed his inner voice that told him to study what he loves, which just so happens to provide lots of opportunity for a very lucrative career. Tyler comes home with a huge smile on his face every few weeks and tells me how much he loves his new life and the choices he's made. That, to me, is success.

What's Your Theme Song?

2010-11-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

   Remember when we were teenagers and we had a mix tape for every occasion? Yes, I realize I am dating myself with that statement- but I am a child of the 80's, dammit. The running joke in my family is that I have 73 old tapes labeled "Keisha's Funky Songs". My girlfriends and I would play this tape while we were getting ready to go out and in the car on the way. There were tapes for every occasion- "Beach Music", "Dance Mix", "Car Tunes", and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" Break up with a boyfriend? Just play Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" really loud a few thousand times until your neighbors beg you to take him back.

  Why did we go to all of that effort? Because music can put us in a mood. Mood music, right? Now, we have playlists on our Ipod- but we mainly use those for working out. Sometimes for cleaning- I enjoy mopping to Journey. Well, not exactly enjoy, but- it makes the task more tolerable. I realized how much I missed music when I started listening to it again while I was getting ready in the morning. My husband bought me this little speaker set for my Ipod for Christmas- and ever since then, I have been rockin out while drying my hair and brushing my teeth. I see the effect it has on my mood, and I wonder how I forgot to use this amazing Prozac-like tool.

   As soon as I rediscovered this, I decided that I needed a theme song. You know, like Rocky...or Ally McBeal. I thought that if I came up with my own song that motivated me- I could conquer the world! So, after months of serious deliberation, I came up with this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY0tsKCB4lc&feature=related. Yeah, it's disco. So? Were you expecting opera? Puhleezz! Now I play this song whenever I want to get into my zone- and it works- every single time.

   So, knowing how well it has worked for me-I ask my clients to find a theme song for themselves. Not only do they feel triumphant when they find their song, but they thoroughly enjoy the process of finding it. Once you find your theme song, hang onto it as long as it feels good. Feel free to change it when you want- or find a theme song for any emotion you want to evoke.

Here's how to find your theme song...

1) Listen to music
2) See what energizes you
3) Wait to see which song gets stuck in your head
4) Analyze how you feel when you hear it
5) Repeat until satisfied

   Finally, something that makes us feel good that is healthy, cheap, and easy. Let me know what you come up with. Now rock on with your bad self.

THE TEEN COMMANDMENTS

2010-10-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

People who know me are sometimes shocked by what my teenagers tell me. And I have sons- who usually get through the day with a few grunts and a point. It's not just my kids either, it's other teenagers that wander in to my home. Usually stopping by to scrounge up something to eat, but sometimes it's for an emotional safe haven. Somewhere they can ask questions they say they can't ask their parents, or to have someone listen without judgement. Here are the rules that I follow to build a good, trusting relationship between you and your teenager.

THE TEEN COMMANDMENTS

1. THOU SHALL NOT GASP. When your teen is talking to you, you may hear things that are gasp-worthy. Resist the impulse. If you hear something that makes you uncomfortable, take a breath and ask a question- casually. Gasp and you erase the trust.

2.THOU SHALL BECOME AWARE OF WHAT I AM CONVEYING NONVERBALLY. 90% of communication is non-verbal. Look at your tone, your pacing, your expression. Embody calm, openness, and empathy

3. THOU SHALL NOT BELITTLE OR DISMISS. It's too easy for us to brush off the issues that concern our kids. Supposedly, adults have "real problems". Not true. Remember what it felt like to be in 8th grade? Would you go back to that for any amount of money in the world? What is going on in their lives is important to them, therefore needs to be important to us. Remember to explain, not condescend.

4. THOU SHALL TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD MY TEEN'S CONFIDENCE AND SELF WORTH. This may not mean what you think it does- like pouring on the praise. There is a place for that absolutely. But what about giving them the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them? How about empowering them by giving them more responsibility incrementally to boost their self reliance?

5. THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO FIX EVERYTHING. Allow your teen a safe place to fall after a difficult situation. Remind them that they will learn much more by learning to come up with their own solutions rather than have you run in and save the day. The goal is to guide more and do less as they get older.

6.THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO BECOME MY TEEN'S BEST FRIEND. Your kid has friends, they need parents. They need boundaries to feel safe. Believe it or not, you are still your teen's number one influence.

7.THOU SHALL TRUST BUT VERIFY. Check up on your kid's whereabouts occasionally and make sure they are where they say they are. Email teachers and find out if there are any issues you need to be aware of. Yes, ask them to show you the pictures on their phone and Facebook. Make them come in to your room after going out at night and notice possible signs of alcohol or drug use.

8. THOU SHALL STAY INVOLVED. Get to know your teen's friends. Talk often about sex, alcohol, drugs, internet safety, relationships and self esteem. Even "good kids" with good grades ARE having sex, drinking and smoking pot. Grades are not always a barometer of high risk behavior

9. THOU SHALL BE A GOOD EXAMPLE. Just because your teen may physically look like an adult, does not mean they are mentally and emotionally. They are watching everything you do, and are using your behavior as an indication of what is ok and what's not. Kids do as you do, not as you say.

10. THOU SHALL NOT BELIEVE TEEN WHEN THEY PUSH YOU AWAY. Kids want you to care. Do not believe claims of "It doesn't matter", "Don't worry about it", or "No one else's parents are going." Part of being a teen is to distance from parents in order to grow, but not when it comes to love and support. Hug often, speak lovingly and praise thoughtfully. That, they will need forever.

A DUMB LITTLE WEED

2010-09-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

Last week I was doing this cool meditation. I was really relaxed and feeling my inner woo woo and all, when I decided to ask myself a question. What can I do to get my business to the next level, I mean really crackalackin? An image came to mind of a yellow dandelion. A weed, essentially. That's dumb, I thought. That can't be right. Then I remembered that I am not supposed to judge whatever images come in, no matter how stupid they may seem. Just when I decided to leave the lame dandelion alone, the image morphed into a white poofy dandelion, the kind with all the little seed pods that drift away on a breeze. I got a very woo woo, non verbal message that told me something like- don't worry, your message is out there, and it is already done. All is as it should be. Kind of like my energy has already been sent out like the little white fluffs on a dandelion. The next night I had a dream that a dandelion poof blew up like a firecracker, sending little pieces all over the sky- and that amused me. I got a new client that day. Then I got another one. Later, I was telling my friend Martha about this dandelion business, and she told me she had just been trying to get a piece of clip art of something else, but all that would come up was a dandelion poof. With a couple of little pods flying away. Huh, that's interesting... She asked me how many poofs flew away in the first image. Two I said. Hmmm, two puffs, two new clients. More interesting. Then, I got this weird picture in my mind of this bully guy that has been harassing my sons. Since we were going full on weird, I decided to look up his address. He lives on Dandelion Way. No joke. What the hell does that mean? I have no idea. Then I told my friend Mary about all these weird synchronicities, and she said her new blog post has a picture of a dandelion poof on it. Seriously? Seriously, she said. Then I was sharing this weirdness with another friend, and she said she has been taking classes at a place called Dandelion Tea. Come on? Really? Really. Which leads me to my blog's new look. I didn't like the old template, but my web/blog design skills are pitiful, so I'd been avoiding it. Today, I got a bug up my butt to do it, and while looking at the different ready made templates- this one came up. With the white dandelion. At this point, I'm not going to feign shock. Of course it's a dandelion. What do I take all of this to mean? Well, I take it to mean that I am on the right track- my own starlit path. Yes, I should keep meditating- even if I suck at it. I am doing what I should to get my business to grow, primarily by just BEING. Just being me. The bully is here to teach me something- even if I detest him. My clients will come at the exact right time for us both. My friends are all loving witnesses to my journey. And- I should blog more. All that from a dumb little weed.

WHAT FEELING ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY?

2010-09-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

WHAT FEELING ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY? So you know when you are driving your car and somehow inexplicably find yourself at the mall? Maybe your car drives to the mall by itself a lot. When you walk into the air conditioned, brightly lit shopping mecca, you take a deep breath and sigh- knowing you are in for a really great distraction, errr...shopping experience. Ooooh, the shoes literally sparkle, and are in so many colors and the handbags beckon you with their shiny patents and luxurious suedes. Maybe you go to the cosmetics department and see a new red Chanel lipstick and think, "I NEED this, I DESERVE this. It will make me look pretty." STOP!!! What feeling are you trying to buy right now? Ladies, I am not picking on you. Really, I'm not. I am completely aware that men do this too. Maybe with clothes, or tools, or gadgets, or random sporting equipment. It's just that I am a woman, so I write what I know. Now back to the lipstick counter. What feeling are you trying to buy right now? That may sound like an odd question. "Duh, I'm not trying to buy a feeling, I'm just trying to buy a damn lipstick!" you may say. Au contraire, mon frer. Do you know what one luxury item sold more units than any other during the great depression and world wars? Lipstick. Red lipstick. Think about it. Put on a happy face! Lipstick sales doubled right after 9/11. Lipstick is a luxury. It's unnecessary, but somehow makes women feel pretty, pampered and desirable, all at the same time. All those good feelings in a shiny little tube. I ought to know, I've got about 87 of them in my makeup drawer right now. It's called "The Lipstick Effect." According to copperwiki.org, "The Lipstick Effect theory assumes that, in a crisis or when consumer trust in the economy is low, people will buy goods that have less impact on their available funds. Women buy lipstick and men spend money on items like gadgets rather than new cars." Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, sometimes we shop because we really do need underwear. But a lot of the time, we shop to get a pick me up. We are literally buying a feeling. It could be "These jeans are so in- I feel fashionable, hip, sexy and cool." Or, "These shoes just scream rich! Feel the leather!" Before you got to the mall, maybe you felt frumpy. Or depressed. Or poor. But after you buy your pick me up item, you feel, well...possibility. I am completely and totally guilty of this behavior. Really, just ask my husband. But, what I have noticed is that now that I shop with awareness- I spend less money. I buy less crap. I drag home less feelings in a bag. This is very good for my bank account, and my marriage come to think of it. How, you ask, have I changed my shopaholic ways? Well, I ask myself, what feeling am I trying to buy right now? And then, what can I do to give myself that feeling without buying this ____(insert your pick me up object here). Depending on the day- I could be trying to buy...comfort, wealth, sexiness, organization, self esteem, warmth, calm, adventure, freedom, a sense of belonging, camouflage, glamour, confidence, happiness, attractiveness, power, pampering, or even, love. Once I identify the feeling, I try to figure out a way to get the feeling, without leaving my money at the store. If I am looking for comfort, I can go home, curl up with a blanket and read a good book. If I'm looking for a sense of belonging, I can spend time with a friend or my family. I suppose that depends on who whether your family makes you feel warm and fuzzy or not, but you get the gist. Sometimes I buy the comfort sweater and power pumps, sometimes I don't. Just think about what you really need, and it may just be something money can't buy. ~Keisha Gallegos, Certified Life Coach, Former Shopaholic

Does your spending reflect your values?

2010-07-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Does your spending reflect your values? As a life coach, I have noticed that how we deal with money mimics the way we deal with life. People who are very cautious with their money are usually very cautious with how they live their lives. People that spend money freely tend to be people who take chances. It isn’t just about putting your money where your mouth is, it is about following the action patterns in your life. Make sure you are being INTENTIONAL about where your money goes and how much of it goes there. I am not talking about the standard budget with exact dollars and cents for each category. I’m talking about setting money priorities. What are your family values? If charity is high on your list of values, but due to the economy, you’ve cut back- make sure you are giving SOMETHING. It doesn’t really matter how much, but the act of giving needs to be prioritized. If more family time is a family value, spend money on activities that enrich your relationships with one another. Look at where your money is going, and ask yourself if it represents your values so that you are living financially the way that you intend to live emotionally. If one of your family values is health and wellness, but all of your family activities involve being sedentary with a bucket of grease laden popcorn, you are living contrary to your values. Write a short paragraph about what sort of values and lifestyle you want your family to uphold. Be descriptive (i.e. I want to have game night once a month, walk together every weekend, and work in some sort of charitable capacity once a quarter). Put it on the refrigerator and revisit your priorities when faced with a spending decision you need to make. This is a great tool to teach kids how to spend wisely, and make sure it reflects what it really important to them. If you practice being intentional in all things that you do, you will have more of what you want, and less of what you don’t. Keisha Gallegos (Starlit Path Life Coaching)

Going to Oprah's Party

2010-06-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

I met my friend and fellow coach Martha Monaco at JFK after months of anticipation for the Oprah Magazine 10th Anniversary Party. The weekend started with a reception suare on Friday afternoon at Gotham Hall in Manhattan. We received beautiful gift boxes to start the part right. Inside our boxes was a beautiful journal, pen, makeup bag, lip gloss, scarf, and signature O tote bag. We were also given our very official lanyards for the ticket to the next day's seminars, and an engraved invitation and ticket to Oprah's night at Radio City Music Hall. Waiters worked the room with gorgeous strawberry lemonade vodka drinks and cold noodle salads in pretty pink take out boxes. Official looking photos were taken of the guests by the L'Oreal people there, but only after a lip gloss touch up by the make up artists. The room was covered in gorgeous pink peonies and purple lilacs. Pink tulle hung from the rafters way up high and crystal chandeliers created a decadent feel. What a beautiful beginning to a fabulous weekend. The next day was started by a welcome speech from Oprah herself. She talked about how happy she was that we had given ourselves this weekend to celebrate with her. Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love" was the keynote speaker- and gave a hilarious talk about her journey in her book. We learned why diet sodas will make you fat from Dr. Oz ( your body is ticked off by the trick of having something sweet without the actual sugar behind it, so it gets even by craving sweet things after you drink it!) Nate Berkus told us one of her biggest pet peeves in decorating is when people leave their mantles exactly the same FOREVER. He wants us to rearrange things so that we see them in a new light. Martha Beck talked about her experience of having her son with down syndrome, Adam, who turned 22 that day. We roared with laughter when she said that upon his birth, Adam peed in the face of the Dr. who told Martha she should abort him. She brought Adam out to the crowd at the end and they both took a bow. It was so touching and a double hankie moment. We had a date with Oprah at 8pm that night. She gave an amazing speech about her life and a lot of the obstacles that she encountered on her road to success- like when a threatened coanchor demeaned her and told her she needed a makeover- so she went to a super posh salon, where they proceeded to burn every single hair off of her head. Oprah had to come back to work bald! She gave us encouragement to get us through times when you want to give up. The Rockettes and Hugh Jackman ushered a cake onto the stage and sang and danced. It was a great celebration!

2010-05-14T17:10:00.001-07:00

Going to New York for business is not something that I do. Not me, who got married right after college. Not me who got pregnant right after getting married. Not me who moved around the country following first my father's corporate career, and then later my husband's army career. Not me who has always put everyone else's needs, school schedule, and budgetary constraints to take precedence over my own secret wishes. I'm not complaining. I went into marriage and motherhood with my eyes and heart wide open. I love my sons, now both taller, stronger, and thankfully harrier than me. I love my husband dearly, and the fact that he has worked so hard which enabled me to care for them, my dogs, and my home. I am grateful that I have been able to live in my suburban neighborhood of San Ramon outside of San Francisco, where my husband Alex has commuted to the Silicon Valley, no longer in the army, for the past 14 years. Not to say that I haven't worked outside the home. I was a substitute teacher at the elementary school that my sons attended. The thing is, teaching was definitely a job for me, and not a career. It was a job I chose because of my desire to be close to my children and to work my schedule around theirs. When I decided to go back to school to become a "life coach", my husband thought I had lost my marbles. He was craving a second full time paycheck, and thought I should go into the secure career of teaching. " What the hell is a life coach?" he asked, and "how many of them do we know?" "Is this really a risk you want to take? We have 2 kids to put thru college. What do you know about starting your own business?" Well, nothing~ I said. And I know one life coach- Oprah magazine's Martha Beck, who left her career in academia after getting 3 degrees from Harvard, to follow her passion to teach people how to design their lives. When I read her column every month in O magazine, I felt like she was speaking right to me. I then read her books and felt that every cell in my body resonated with her words. When I had the opportunity to see Martha speak at the O You conference in SF, I jumped at it. I had to see this woman! I heard her say that she taught people to be life coaches and my life was forever changed. "I am going to be a life coach" I said to myself. As soon as I acknowledged my heart's desire, I felt light. So light, I felt like I had sprouted wings and begun levitating. This is what freedom feels like, I thought. You see, I always knew I would have my own career. I envisioned a life where my innate talents and God given gifts would be utilized. Where I would feel inspired and inspiring. I just had absolutely no idea what that career might be. And, I certainly had no inkling that living a life just for me would take so damn long. I knew raising kids would be a commitment, I just had no idea how all encompassing it was, and how long I would put my career ambitions on the back burner- the way way way back burner. Flashing forward 18 months, after I became a life coach, after I started my own business, after I began public speaking- to hearing about a party. An anniversary party. An Oprah magazine 10th anniversary party. I would love to be there, I thought. I have read every single one of the 120 issues of that magazine from cover to cover. It was through this magazine that I began reading Martha Beck's columns. It was through her that I found my "calling". It was through the words on those pages that inspired, educated, and gave me the courage to follow my heart. Who better than me to celebrate the success of the magazine that became my monthly manual for life? Booking my ticket to New York, buying the $375 ticket to the conference, making my hotel reservation was a true first for me. It was the outward manifestation that I was practicing what I preached. That I was putting myself at the top of my priority list. That I was worth the investment in my career to go to a professional conference where I would learn and grow, and consequently bring back all that knowledge and wisdom back to my clients, family, and friends. I am so happy that I got out of my own way and committed to myself and my business. Now that you know the story of how I got to the party, my next blog will be about what I learned once I got there. Thank you for being a witness to my personal evolution!