STOP SETTLING!!! WHAT ARE YOU MAKING OK THAT ISN’T?

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”  Maureen Dowd

Heard your self say any of these things lately?

It’s not THAT bad.

I guess it will have to do.

I couldn’t find anything else I liked, so I ended up with this one.

He/She wouldn’t normally have done that, said that, behaved that way. He/she was just tired (stressed, cranky, overworked, horny, sick, hungry, drunk, not thinking…fill in your excuse de jour here)

It doesn’t happen that much.

That’s just how he is. I just have to deal with it.

That’s how she was raised.

She doesn’t even know she’s being rude!

One of these days I am going to tell him that…

As soon as I (fill in the blank), then I will be able to (blank).

They didn’t mean it.

That’s just the way it is.

Someday it will be different-when I have more time (or money, health, kids are older, have a baby, get married, get a divorce, get a new job)

Step One- What are you settling for?

What are the last five things you complained about?

Write them down, is there something there that you are making ok that really isn’t?

Step Two- Why are you settling for it?

Are you afraid that this is all you can have?

Are you afraid to change your circumstances because you are afraid of the unknown? (The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t)

Do you feel like you deserve it? Or do you feel that you made your bed and now you must lie in it?

Step 3- Do you see a pattern?

 

Do you notice that you are settling in a certain area of your life?  Relationships, career, money, material things- or just life in general?

If you notice settling in one area- ask your self a question.  What thought goes through your mind when I say, “What am I telling myself to make this ok?”  It may be a self-defeating phrase you heard from your parent or teacher.

Examples-

So you think you’re special, huh?

Life’s a bitch, and then you die.

Life isn’t fair.

You can’t have everything.

You’re LUCKY to even HAVE a boyfriend!

At least you’re not alone!

People like us can’t expect more.

This is the life you chose.

Yuck! I am feeling sick just typing these phrases.  Can you see the passivity in these statements?  The victim mentality?  The “WHO the HELL am I to WANT MORE?”  These statements are no more than your ego shielding itself from complete defeat- the idea being if you don’t want for more than what you have, you’ll never be disappointed. 

Step 4- Cut the Crap

You will never be able to have more for yourself if you don’t feel like you deserve it.  This is a self worth issue.  Does someone else deserve to be happier, thinner, richer, more loved, more respected, or more successful than you? Why? If the answer is yes- please see me for coaching!  If the answer is no, you must….

Step 5-Envision What You Want

Allow yourself to imagine what it would be like to have what you want.  The AWARENESS is all you need.  Focus on the opportunities that may come you way courtesy of the universe.

Step 6-Decide That You Are WORTH It!

Use that thing that keeps you from falling over called a BACKBONE and stand up for yourself.  Find small ways to assert your new attitude (like sending back your salad with the wrong dressing, or returning clothing that doesn’t fit quite right) and work your way up to some bigger things (asking for a promotion, a raise, flexible hours, better treatment, friends that don’t talk behind your back.)

What is the first thing you want to stop settling for?

Why do you want to stop allowing it? 

What do you tell yourself to make it ok to settle?

What can your replacement thoughts be?

How will you feel when you hold out for what you really want?

Overcome the impulse to settle and you'll find that you are living a life that exceeds your wildest expectations.

How I Raised a Successful Kid

     Before my son Tyler turned 2, his favorite toys were dump trucks and his tool belt.  He would scurry around the house with his plastic hammer and ask me what he could "fix" for me.  When Tyler wanted me to read to him, it was always the books about construction equipment that he picked out.  He used to sit on the back of the couch that backed against a window of our new house so that he could take in the construction going on in our new neighborhood that was being built around us. Then he would take all of his construction toys and reenact the scenario on our family room floor.  Tyler did this literally every day for years.  His biggest dream in the world was to drive a bobcat, but in the meantime he would talk to me about front loader back hoes and auger drillers.   We had numerous construction themed birthday parties, which worked out great because I didn't have to peel the tool belt off of his body before the big event. As Tyler got older, he graduated to playing with legos- constructing amazing structures with a laser like focus. After that came woodworking and robot building.  Whenever I  needed something to be put together, Tyler was cheerfully on the job.
     You may be asking how he juggled all of this love of construction with piano lessons, soccer, and French club.   Well, he didn't.   After school, Tyler did this thing we've forgotten about here in America called playing.  He actually used his imagination without any direction from me, or anyone else.  Somewhere in our quest for raising the perfect child, we forgot that kids actually learn from playing.  We have scheduled our kids to tightly that they practically need their own assistant to get them ready and keep them organized.   Oops, that job falls to us parents, doesn't it? 
     How did I come upon this highly irregular form of parenting?  I wish I could say it was because I was above wanting my kid to be the best, strongest, fastest, smartest, kindest, most amazing child ever.  But that would be a lie.  What I did actually do though was really listen to Tyler.  Which wasn't really that hard because he was screaming- or throwing some sort of fit.  He would drag his feet and get all cranky and eye rolling on me when I would tell him it was time for baseball practice.  When I would try to take him to some wonderful puppet show performance at the library to broaden his cultural horizons, he would tell me it was dumb.  After a while I got so tired of signing him up for activity after activity, and then having to listen to the kvetching all the way there and back- I just stopped.  Why was I spending money and time to take him to events and classes that he plainly didn't want to go to -  and making myself crazy in the process?  Because "everyone else" was, and you know if you want your kid to get into a good college, they need to have several talents, clubs and sports.  And don't forget about the 14,000 volunteer hours either.  If you don't do it, your kid will end up living in a two-story Dorito bag- poor, unskilled and probably toothless.
     Now I fully realize that everything I've said would distress that "Tiger Mother" Amy Chua terribly, considering that I treat my children as actual individuals with their own thoughts, likes and dislikes -rather than pack animals to be herded about to violin lessons and SAT prep classes for toddlers.  Apparently I should be demanding that my child be first in his class in everything or I should just hang up my uterus and go home.  My area has loads of "Tiger Mothers", and as a former teacher let me tell you something I have noticed about the kids that are raised this way.  These kids cry when they get an A- on a test, because their parents will be very mad at them.  If you ask them a question about what they think about a certain subject, they have a very hard time answering you because they don't know what the "right" answer is.  As if there is one.  Because for these kids, there is always a right answer.  
     Today Tyler is 18, and a freshman at Cal State Chico.  He is studying construction management, the perfect combination of Tyler's favorite things- building stuff, and telling other people what to do.  Preferably with a bull horn, because he also loves the sound of his own voice.  This won't embarrass him if he reads it, he's proud of these traits.  As he should be.  He followed his inner voice that told him to study what he loves, which just so happens to provide lots of opportunity for a very lucrative career.  Tyler comes home with a huge smile on his face every few weeks and tells me how much he loves his new life and the choices he's made.  That, to me, is success.

What's Your Theme Song?

     Remember when we were teenagers and we had a mix tape for every occasion?  Yes, I realize I am dating myself with that statement- but I am a child of the 80's, dammit. The running joke in my family is that I have 73 old tapes labeled "Keisha's Funky Songs".  My girlfriends and I would play this tape while we were getting ready to go out and in the car on the way.  There were tapes for every occasion- "Beach Music", "Dance Mix", "Car Tunes", and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!"  Break up with a boyfriend?  Just play Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" really loud a few thousand times until your neighbors beg you to take him back.


  Why did we go to all of that effort? Because music can put us in a mood.  Mood music, right?  Now, we have playlists on our Ipod- but we mainly use those for working out.  Sometimes for cleaning- I enjoy mopping to Journey.  Well, not exactly enjoy, but- it makes the task more tolerable.  I realized how much I missed music when I started listening to it again while I was getting ready in the morning.  My husband bought me this little speaker set for my Ipod for Christmas- and ever since then, I have been rockin out while drying my hair and brushing my teeth.  I see the effect it has on my mood, and I wonder how I forgot to use this amazing Prozac-like tool.


    As soon as I rediscovered this, I decided that I needed a theme song.  You know, like Rocky...or Ally McBeal.  I thought that if I came up with my own song that motivated me- I could conquer the world!  So, after months of serious deliberation, I came up with this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY0tsKCB4lc&feature=related.  Yeah, it's disco. So? Were you expecting opera? Puhleezz! Now I play this song whenever I want to get into my zone- and it works- every single time.


     So, knowing how well it has worked for me-I ask my clients to find a theme song for themselves.  Not only do they feel triumphant when they find their song, but they thoroughly enjoy the process of finding it.  Once you find your theme song, hang onto it as long as it feels good.  Feel free to change it when you want- or find a theme song for any emotion you want to evoke.

Here's how to find your theme song...

1) Listen to music
2) See what energizes you
3) Wait to see which song gets stuck in your head
4) Analyze how you feel when you hear it
5) Repeat until satisfied

    Finally, something that makes us feel good that is healthy, cheap, and easy.  Let me know what you come up with.  Now rock on with your bad self.
 

THE TEEN COMMANDMENTS

People who know me are sometimes shocked by what my teenagers tell me. And I have sons- who usually get through the day with a few grunts and a point. It's not just my kids either, it's other teenagers that wander in to my home. Usually stopping by to scrounge up something to eat, but sometimes it's for an emotional safe haven. Somewhere they can ask questions they say they can't ask their parents, or to have someone listen without judgement. Here are the rules that I follow to build a good, trusting relationship between you and your teenager.

THE TEEN COMMANDMENTS

1. THOU SHALL NOT GASP. When your teen is talking to you, you may hear things that are gasp-worthy. Resist the impulse. If you hear something that makes you uncomfortable, take a breath and ask a question- casually. Gasp and you erase the trust.

2.THOU SHALL BECOME AWARE OF WHAT I AM CONVEYING NONVERBALLY. 90% of communication is non-verbal. Look at your tone, your pacing, your expression. Embody calm, openness, and empathy

3. THOU SHALL NOT BELITTLE OR DISMISS. It's too easy for us to brush off the issues that concern our kids. Supposedly, adults have "real problems". Not true. Remember what it felt like to be in 8th grade? Would you go back to that for any amount of money in the world? What is going on in their lives is important to them, therefore needs to be important to us. Remember to explain, not condescend.

4. THOU SHALL TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD MY TEEN'S CONFIDENCE AND SELF WORTH. This may not mean what you think it does- like pouring on the praise. There is a place for that absolutely. But what about giving them the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them? How about empowering them by giving them more responsibility incrementally to boost their self reliance?

5. THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO FIX EVERYTHING. Allow your teen a safe place to fall after a difficult situation. Remind them that they will learn much more by learning to come up with their own solutions rather than have you run in and save the day. The goal is to guide more and do less as they get older.

6.THOU SHALL NOT TRY TO BECOME MY TEEN'S BEST FRIEND. Your kid has friends, they need parents. They need boundaries to feel safe. Believe it or not, you are still your teen's number one influence.

7.THOU SHALL TRUST BUT VERIFY. Check up on your kid's whereabouts occasionally and make sure they are where they say they are. Email teachers and find out if there are any issues you need to be aware of. Yes, ask them to show you the pictures on their phone and Facebook. Make them come in to your room after going out at night and notice possible signs of alcohol or drug use.

8. THOU SHALL STAY INVOLVED. Get to know your teen's friends. Talk often about sex, alcohol, drugs, internet safety, relationships and self esteem. Even "good kids" with good grades ARE having sex, drinking and smoking pot. Grades are not always a barometer of high risk behavior

9. THOU SHALL BE A GOOD EXAMPLE. Just because your teen may physically look like an adult, does not mean they are mentally and emotionally. They are watching everything you do, and are using your behavior as an indication of what is ok and what's not. Kids do as you do, not as you say.

10. THOU SHALL NOT BELIEVE TEEN WHEN THEY PUSH YOU AWAY. Kids want you to care. Do not believe claims of "It doesn't matter", "Don't worry about it", or "No one else's parents are going." Part of being a teen is to distance from parents in order to grow, but not when it comes to love and support. Hug often, speak lovingly and praise thoughtfully. That, they will need forever.

A DUMB LITTLE WEED

Last week I was doing this cool meditation. I was really relaxed and feeling my inner woo woo and all, when I decided to ask myself a question. What can I do to get my business to the next level, I mean really crackalackin? An image came to mind of a yellow dandelion. A weed, essentially. That's dumb, I thought. That can't be right. Then I remembered that I am not supposed to judge whatever images come in, no matter how stupid they may seem. Just when I decided to leave the lame dandelion alone, the image morphed into a white poofy dandelion, the kind with all the little seed pods that drift away on a breeze. I got a very woo woo, non verbal message that told me something like- don't worry, your message is out there, and it is already done. All is as it should be. Kind of like my energy has already been sent out like the little white fluffs on a dandelion. The next night I had a dream that a dandelion poof blew up like a firecracker, sending little pieces all over the sky- and that amused me. I got a new client that day. Then I got another one. Later, I was telling my friend Martha about this dandelion business, and she told me she had just been trying to get a piece of clip art of something else, but all that would come up was a dandelion poof. With a couple of little pods flying away. Huh, that's interesting... She asked me how many poofs flew away in the first image. Two I said. Hmmm, two puffs, two new clients. More interesting. Then, I got this weird picture in my mind of this bully guy that has been harassing my sons. Since we were going full on weird, I decided to look up his address. He lives on Dandelion Way. No joke. What the hell does that mean? I have no idea. Then I told my friend Mary about all these weird synchronicities, and she said her new blog post has a picture of a dandelion poof on it. Seriously? Seriously, she said. Then I was sharing this weirdness with another friend, and she said she has been taking classes at a place called Dandelion Tea. Come on? Really? Really. Which leads me to my blog's new look. I didn't like the old template, but my web/blog design skills are pitiful, so I'd been avoiding it. Today, I got a bug up my butt to do it, and while looking at the different ready made templates- this one came up. With the white dandelion. At this point, I'm not going to feign shock. Of course it's a dandelion. What do I take all of this to mean? Well, I take it to mean that I am on the right track- my own starlit path. Yes, I should keep meditating- even if I suck at it. I am doing what I should to get my business to grow, primarily by just BEING. Just being me. The bully is here to teach me something- even if I detest him. My clients will come at the exact right time for us both. My friends are all loving witnesses to my journey. And- I should blog more. All that from a dumb little weed.

WHAT FEELING ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY?

WHAT FEELING ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY? So you know when you are driving your car and somehow inexplicably find yourself at the mall? Maybe your car drives to the mall by itself a lot. When you walk into the air conditioned, brightly lit shopping mecca, you take a deep breath and sigh- knowing you are in for a really great distraction, errr...shopping experience. Ooooh, the shoes literally sparkle, and are in so many colors and the handbags beckon you with their shiny patents and luxurious suedes. Maybe you go to the cosmetics department and see a new red Chanel lipstick and think, "I NEED this, I DESERVE this. It will make me look pretty." STOP!!! What feeling are you trying to buy right now? Ladies, I am not picking on you. Really, I'm not. I am completely aware that men do this too. Maybe with clothes, or tools, or gadgets, or random sporting equipment. It's just that I am a woman, so I write what I know. Now back to the lipstick counter. What feeling are you trying to buy right now? That may sound like an odd question. "Duh, I'm not trying to buy a feeling, I'm just trying to buy a damn lipstick!" you may say. Au contraire, mon frer. Do you know what one luxury item sold more units than any other during the great depression and world wars? Lipstick. Red lipstick. Think about it. Put on a happy face! Lipstick sales doubled right after 9/11. Lipstick is a luxury. It's unnecessary, but somehow makes women feel pretty, pampered and desirable, all at the same time. All those good feelings in a shiny little tube. I ought to know, I've got about 87 of them in my makeup drawer right now. It's called "The Lipstick Effect." According to copperwiki.org, "The Lipstick Effect theory assumes that, in a crisis or when consumer trust in the economy is low, people will buy goods that have less impact on their available funds. Women buy lipstick and men spend money on items like gadgets rather than new cars." Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, sometimes we shop because we really do need underwear. But a lot of the time, we shop to get a pick me up. We are literally buying a feeling. It could be "These jeans are so in- I feel fashionable, hip, sexy and cool." Or, "These shoes just scream rich! Feel the leather!" Before you got to the mall, maybe you felt frumpy. Or depressed. Or poor. But after you buy your pick me up item, you feel, well...possibility. I am completely and totally guilty of this behavior. Really, just ask my husband. But, what I have noticed is that now that I shop with awareness- I spend less money. I buy less crap. I drag home less feelings in a bag. This is very good for my bank account, and my marriage come to think of it. How, you ask, have I changed my shopaholic ways? Well, I ask myself, what feeling am I trying to buy right now? And then, what can I do to give myself that feeling without buying this ____(insert your pick me up object here). Depending on the day- I could be trying to buy...comfort, wealth, sexiness, organization, self esteem, warmth, calm, adventure, freedom, a sense of belonging, camouflage, glamour, confidence, happiness, attractiveness, power, pampering, or even, love. Once I identify the feeling, I try to figure out a way to get the feeling, without leaving my money at the store. If I am looking for comfort, I can go home, curl up with a blanket and read a good book. If I'm looking for a sense of belonging, I can spend time with a friend or my family. I suppose that depends on who whether your family makes you feel warm and fuzzy or not, but you get the gist. Sometimes I buy the comfort sweater and power pumps, sometimes I don't. Just think about what you really need, and it may just be something money can't buy. ~Keisha Gallegos, Certified Life Coach, Former Shopaholic

Does your spending reflect your values?

Does your spending reflect your values? As a life coach, I have noticed that how we deal with money mimics the way we deal with life. People who are very cautious with their money are usually very cautious with how they live their lives. People that spend money freely tend to be people who take chances. It isn’t just about putting your money where your mouth is, it is about following the action patterns in your life. Make sure you are being INTENTIONAL about where your money goes and how much of it goes there. I am not talking about the standard budget with exact dollars and cents for each category. I’m talking about setting money priorities. What are your family values? If charity is high on your list of values, but due to the economy, you’ve cut back- make sure you are giving SOMETHING. It doesn’t really matter how much, but the act of giving needs to be prioritized. If more family time is a family value, spend money on activities that enrich your relationships with one another. Look at where your money is going, and ask yourself if it represents your values so that you are living financially the way that you intend to live emotionally. If one of your family values is health and wellness, but all of your family activities involve being sedentary with a bucket of grease laden popcorn, you are living contrary to your values. Write a short paragraph about what sort of values and lifestyle you want your family to uphold. Be descriptive (i.e. I want to have game night once a month, walk together every weekend, and work in some sort of charitable capacity once a quarter). Put it on the refrigerator and revisit your priorities when faced with a spending decision you need to make. This is a great tool to teach kids how to spend wisely, and make sure it reflects what it really important to them. If you practice being intentional in all things that you do, you will have more of what you want, and less of what you don’t. Keisha Gallegos (Starlit Path Life Coaching)