Monday, May 23, 2011

Lock Up Your Inner Mean Girl

We've all had the delicious pleasure of encountering a mean girl in our youth.

You may have even been her prey.

Due to my dad's career as a corporate climber,  I was the new girl every couple of years, and my arrival made me fresh meat for the resident mean girls at my new school.

The worst part was that I was NICE- actually pretending to ignore their hateful remarks and rude stares.

I was taught that if you just ignore them, they will get tired of picking on you and leave you alone.

That actually didn't work any better than trying to gently pet a rabid dog, and I think it just made me easy pickins.

Thankfully I went on to college, where I felt fully accepted and appreciated for my uniqueness, and the road from there on out was so much easier.

In the outside world, but not in my own head.

See, each mean girl seemed to morph all of her most obnoxious traits into an amalgam, which gave birth to my own INNER mean girl- a wretched bitch if I may say so, that has something nasty to say about a lot of the things I feel, say, do or wear.

If you were unfortunate enough to have family members who liked to kick your self esteem around for sport, add their nasty voices to the scrum as well.

In response to this, I propose a revolt.

Yes, I want you to lock up your inner mean girl.

Just shut that bitch up- here's how.


Keep a log of her put downs for a day.

What's her MO?

What does she say?

When does she strike?

What provokes her?


Go back to the scene of the crime- in this case- the slanderous remark.

Where have you heard that voice before? Does it sound familiar?

Your inner mean girl is usually just a copy cat, picking up for the real mean girl where she left off.

You don't have to believe every thought that goes through your mind.

Some of these thoughts aren't even yours.

Which is why I am perfectly fine with stopping her in her tracks.

Draw a composite sketch of the perp.

Give her a name.

Now we are separating her from you, which makes it much easier to squelch her without remorse.


Is her testimony truthful?

Does she tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help her God? 100% of the time?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Mean girls lie.  They lie to make themselves feel better because they feel woefully inadequate.

So, believing her story is like believing the guy who said the world was ending May 21st.

You could, but in order to do so you probably depleted your savings, racked up a boat load of credit card debt and went on a wild goose chase because you listened to a delusional nut case with a ridiculous ego.

Wait, that really happened.

But it doesn't have to happen to you.


If this sounds harsh, call it "reform school"and assuage your guilt.

Picture her in a very institutional time out at the detention facility of your choice.

Tell her it's time for her to take care of her own mess and move on.

It's justifiable self-defense.


The time for self inflicted pain is over.

As part of your rehabilitation process, you must learn to love each scar, each vulnerability, each "imperfection".

Perfection is passe- it's boring, unattainable and lacks character.

I tell my clients who are going through a very difficult time to take care of themselves as they would a small child.

They usually register a degree of shock on their faces, not because the idea sounds ludicrous, but because it makes them realize how unkind they have been treating themselves.


You are now free to look at yourself as you would a baby in a nursery.

Are there any "unworthy" babies there?

Any babies who would be perfect if they would just stop being so lazy, stupid, or unloveable?

Of course not, what kind of a whack job would think such a thing?

It's no different for us adults, just because our spirit suits (bodies) have cellulite, wrinkles or hairy backs.

Each of us is a magnificent creation, filled with amazing capabilities and endless possibility.

So, the next time you hear that mean girl spew something toxic, tell her to zip it or else.

As I heard Martha Beck say, "Self loathing is so 20th century."

It's a new age, give your inner mean girl up to the feds and watch your self esteem soar.