“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” Maureen Dowd
Heard your self say any of these things lately?
It’s not THAT bad.
I guess it will have to do.
I couldn’t find anything else I liked, so I ended up with this one.
He/She wouldn’t normally have done that, said that, behaved that way. He/she was just tired (stressed, cranky, overworked, horny, sick, hungry, drunk, not thinking…fill in your excuse de jour here)
It doesn’t happen that much.
That’s just how he is. I just have to deal with it.
That’s how she was raised.
She doesn’t even know she’s being rude!
One of these days I am going to tell him that…
As soon as I (fill in the blank), then I will be able to (blank).
They didn’t mean it.
That’s just the way it is.
Someday it will be different-when I have more time (or money, health, kids are older, have a baby, get married, get a divorce, get a new job)
Step One- What are you settling for?
What are the last five things you complained about?
Write them down, is there something there that you are making ok that really isn’t?
Step Two- Why are you settling for it?
Are you afraid that this is all you can have?
Are you afraid to change your circumstances because you are afraid of the unknown? (The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t)
Do you feel like you deserve it? Or do you feel that you made your bed and now you must lie in it?
Step 3- Do you see a pattern?
Do you notice that you are settling in a certain area of your life? Relationships, career, money, material things- or just life in general?
If you notice settling in one area- ask your self a question. What thought goes through your mind when I say, “What am I telling myself to make this ok?” It may be a self-defeating phrase you heard from your parent or teacher.
Examples-
So you think you’re special, huh?
Life’s a bitch, and then you die.
Life isn’t fair.
You can’t have everything.
You’re LUCKY to even HAVE a boyfriend!
At least you’re not alone!
People like us can’t expect more.
This is the life you chose.
Yuck! I am feeling sick just typing these phrases. Can you see the passivity in these statements? The victim mentality? The “WHO the HELL am I to WANT MORE?” These statements are no more than your ego shielding itself from complete defeat- the idea being if you don’t want for more than what you have, you’ll never be disappointed.
Step 4- Cut the Crap
You will never be able to have more for yourself if you don’t feel like you deserve it. This is a self worth issue. Does someone else deserve to be happier, thinner, richer, more loved, more respected, or more successful than you? Why? If the answer is yes- please see me for coaching! If the answer is no, you must….
Step 5-Envision What You Want
Allow yourself to imagine what it would be like to have what you want. The AWARENESS is all you need. Focus on the opportunities that may come you way courtesy of the universe.
Step 6-Decide That You Are WORTH It!
Use that thing that keeps you from falling over called a BACKBONE and stand up for yourself. Find small ways to assert your new attitude (like sending back your salad with the wrong dressing, or returning clothing that doesn’t fit quite right) and work your way up to some bigger things (asking for a promotion, a raise, flexible hours, better treatment, friends that don’t talk behind your back.)
What is the first thing you want to stop settling for?
Why do you want to stop allowing it?
What do you tell yourself to make it ok to settle?
What can your replacement thoughts be?
How will you feel when you hold out for what you really want?
Overcome the impulse to settle and you'll find that you are living a life that exceeds your wildest expectations.
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