Monday, July 25, 2011

Controlling, Critical and Splitter Vampires

The last three vampire types according to Dr. Judith Orloff are:

The Controlling Vampire-
This vampire starts sentences with “You know what you need to do about that is…..” 

They want to tell you how to feel and what to do and who you are supposed to be. 

Remember the movie Sleeping With the Enemy? 

Yeah, like him. 

Things need to be a certain way- his way, or they are wrong. 

There are policies and procedures that only he knows, but he thinks his yardstick is the only one to measure by. 

He’s not really controlling in his eyes, he’s just right.

How can he help it?

Controller Kryptonite-


Thank the controller vampire for their concern or input, and then tell them that you’d like to try it your way.  

Or, hmm, I didn’t think of it that way.  

Or- how interesting! 

Then walk away.  

Do not get into a pissing contest with a controller vampire- they have a will of steel and will argue their point until a murder/suicide feels like a good option. 

The Critical Vampire-

A close cousin of the controlling vampire is the criticizing vampire, who feels it is their mission to let you know just where you fall short and where you need improvement. 

They really feel they are being helpful by judging you and giving “constructive feedback” because if they don’t tell you, how will you ever improve? 

When you’re in the presence of a critical vampire, your self-esteem goes into the toilet, you question your worth, your choices and your sanity.

It’s all the more confusing because many times this vampire is someone close to you who is telling you for your “own good”. 

Critical Kryptonite-


Tell the criticizer that you hear what they are saying, but when they behave in a critical manner, it makes it hard for you to listen. 

Let them know that their criticism doesn’t feel helpful, the source and think about how hard it must be for the criticizer to live in their own head, where they are way more critical of themselves than they are of you.  

Don’t beat yourself up if that doesn’t really make you feel any better, but just consider it.

The Splitter Vampire-

This borderline personality disorder of a vampire sees things in black and white, good and bad, love and hate- with nothing in between. 

First you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, then you are the hair in their soup. 

This vampire is skilled at pitting people against each other, spreading lies, acting out in hateful rages, and keeping people off balance for fear of inciting their wrath. 

They give mixed messages like “I hate you/Don’t leave me.” 

Dealing with a splitter vampire will keep you unsettled, nervous, feeling persecuted and guarded with your true feelings. 

You do not want to get on the wrong side of this vampire.

Splitter Kryptonite-


Expect nothing from this person because you can expect anything  from this person. 

Go into any interaction with this person with your big huge imaginary bubble of white light around you and try to remain in your most peaceful state of neutrality. 

Refuse to be taken by surprise and expect the unexpected.  

If all else fails, run!

Remember that you choose who you spend your time with, where you work and who you love.  

Do not accept an emotional vampire’s negativity by playing by their rules.

Exercise your right to self-determination and spend time with those who nurture you, support you, make you laugh, and make you feel seen and heard.
You deserve no less.

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