Do a Terrible Job

                                                                                    

So I am studying with my teacher, Martha Beck, to be a master life coach. 

It is a rigorous and prestigious program that I am thrilled to be a part of.  

Our first assignment was to write a self help article to post on a forum for the other students and teachers to critique.  

Then we were critiqued by Martha.  

She's a very famous author of extremely popular self help books and two best selling memoirs. 

And she has a monthly column in Oprah's magazine.  

Martha was going to read what I wrote and then she was going to tell me what was wrong with it. 

A while ago, this would have struck terror in me...I would have been frozen with fear and had stories galore about what a terrible writer I am, and how awful this experience was going to be.  

But something strange happened- I decided that I was willing to totally suck at my assignment. 

That decision freed me.

I decided that I am a student, so it is my job to attempt and fail, and then attempt again.  

I am not a great writer, and I truly never really aspired to be a published author.  

Several of my classmates dream of publishing memoirs or having their own self help column in a magazine. 

Not me.  

At some point it would be nice to write a book, but it's not dying to erupt from my loins.  

Martha is a world class writer, and that's what she always wanted to be.  

Why would I compare my own writing to hers? 

Why would I despair at the fear that she is going to say my writing is shit, and I need to give up for good?  

What's funny is, she actually told our class that we are all excellent writers already.  

Martha gave us constructive criticism about how to make our articles better- and without fail, I thought her ideas were completely on target. 

I am honored to learn from a master! 

It doesn't mean I have to be a master writer, ever.

It means I have to put my ego to the side, open my ears, listen to the feedback and continue to write from an earnest place.  

It means I have to be willing to do a terrible job, then learn from my mistakes, and drop the idea of being perfect.  

Because of that, I am becoming a better writer.

What are you willing to suck at? 

Where are you willing to put your ego to the side?  

What are you afraid to try because you don't know what the hell you're doing?  

Challenge yourself to start anyway.  

Attempt and fail.  

Take stock, and attempt again. 

It's the only way to grow. 

My Magic Manifesting Journal

        

Last month I went to the Martha Beck Life Coach Summit in Phoenix, where I learned all kinds of new fantastic stuff that I want to pass on to you.

The best tool I learned was from Law of Attraction Coach, Jeannette Maw- who told us she learned it from author and speaker, Gregg Braden.

It's something called the Pray Rain Journal, which I renamed the Magic Manifesting Journal.

This tool has changed my life!

What you do is write one page a day about what you want to happen, but you write it in the present tense- as if it's already happened.

You start with phrases like, "I am.. I have...I enjoy..." and add your vision of what you'd like your life to be like. 

I absolutely hate journaling, and I have many different notebooks in my house with three pages written in them because I didn't follow through on whatever my big idea for writing was. 

I have actually kept this up for a month, which I am sure is a record. 

There is something about saying what you want, putting it on paper and out into the Universe that is a powerful vehicle for manifesting what your heart desires.

When I am writing in it, I feel like I have a magic wand.

At first, I had to suspend belief while writing and blow smoke up my own ass about what was "happening". 

I must have done a great job, because every single thing I wrote in the first week happened, and I had no good reason to think any of it would. 

It focused my intention on what I wanted, and made me feel more courageous to go after it.  

Seeing it on paper as done, even though what I wrote hadn't happened yet seemed to set up an expectation in my brain that it would be done.

I believe it also sent a message to the Universe that I was ready for what I was asking for.

Since starting this magical journal, I have manifested some amazing things- a place in a small, prestigious and full training program that had chosen it's participants a month prior, tickets to an event that I wanted to go to, and a private meeting with a person that I idolize. 

Writing in the journal puts me in an emotional space where I feel powerful, abundant and expectant of great things.  

After putting my intention out there, I look for ways to make my hopes a reality. I am in the process of co-creating  with the Universe, rather than sitting around waiting for things to fall into my lap. 

I am really looking forward to seeing what else I can create using this new habit. 

It forces me to dream big!

Start your own Magic Manifesting Journal and share your success stories in the comments.  Happy manifesting!

Goal Setting For Stuck People

As a life coach, clients always ask me about how to set goals for themselves and how to follow through on those goals.  Now that it’s been a few weeks since New Year's, your resolve to make big changes may be waning.  Do not fear! I am here to help!  Let’s get serious about getting what you want.  I call it “Goal Setting For Stuck People.”

Step One- Identify what you want

Step Two- Why do you want it?

Step Three- How do I think I’ll feel when I have what I want?

This process is deceptively simple.  Knowing why we want something is very important because the motivation to accomplish your goal is inherent in the “why”.  The “how will I feel when I have it” step is vital because it gives you a sneak peak at what it will be like once you’ve put in the work to get what you want.  You are actually previewing the result before you even take the first step.  This will get you into the right frame of mind when you focus on the feeling of the outcome.

You will experience far more success in all areas of life when you dwell in a sense that your goal has already been achieved. (Which looks a bit like “fake it ‘til you make it.”)

I’m not suggesting that you go around faking your way through life.  What I am suggesting is that you act as if you already have what you want.  When you want to get into shape, you must think like an athlete.  You must think of food as fuel that gives your body the nutrition it needs to attain maximum fitness.  You stretch, condition and care for your body to keep it in premium working condition.  When we think this way, our actions follow. 

Here is an exercise from Martha Beck that utilizes this technique perfectly.  Try this:

Treasuring the Future- Now

*Choose one item from your list of heart’s desires

*Vividly imagine that you’ve already got it

*Go through it methodically by sense:

How does this scene sound, look smell, feel, taste? *Continue to experience it for at least 10 minutes

 *Focus on “treasuring” your heart’s desire 10 minutes a day for a whole month!

While spending your time on this exercise, simultaneously begin work on what you want. That means looking at each one of your heart’s desires and make one small step towards achieving that goal.

If the steps bring you anxiety and feel out of your comfort zone- GOOD. That means it’s a stretch. Doing what you’ve always done isn’t going to put you on the road to your dreams, because if it did- you’d already be there.

Use rewards for putting in the time to get what you want! Do something nice for yourself to reward your progress. Don’t wait until your goal is achieved. Milestones are worthy of rewards. This way you stay on track to behave your way to your heart’s desires.

For example:

I want a healthy body. I hate exercise. I will motivate myself with stickers on my calendar for every time I exercise, and after 10 workouts do something nice for myself.

Ex. In my case, a manicure.

 After 20, a new outfit.

 After 30, a sparkly bauble that is fun, and unnecessary.

 After 40, a massage. 

Notice I am rewarding the healthy behavior, not pounds lost. The weight loss comes as a byproduct of my new healthy life style.

GOAL FORMULA:

IDENTIFY MY GOAL-WHAT DO I WANT?

WHY DO I WANT IT?

HOW WILL ATTAINING IT MAKE ME FEEL?

HOW CAN I GIVE MYSELF THAT FEELING TODAY?

WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE TO MOVE CLOSER TO MY GOAL?

WHAT REWARD WILL I GIVE MYSELF? AT WHAT INTERVAL?

Make sure to do this with a sense of wellbeing and calm, rather than a needy or graspy kind of energy. Neediness is a repellant. People and things will run from you if they get even a whiff of it.

Enlist supportive people in your circle to support you in attaining your goals. Better yet, get a friend to partner with and support each other, while holding each other accountable.

Get yourself in the habit of dreaming big...like really big.

Martha Beck calls them WILDLY IMPROBABLE GOALS, or WIG’s for short.

Just saying what they are out loud starts the process of the universe conspiring to manifest your desires. Really.

How to Have a Meaningful Christmas Without Breaking the Bank and Losing Your Marbles

Are you tired of knocking yourself out year after year?  Are you trying to please everyone with your gifts, Christmas Cards, and compulsory newsletter?  How about the holiday meal making, cookie baking, and tradition sharing?  Do you ever dread the decorating, shopping, parking, planning, photo taking, wrapping, mailing- and then possibly after all of that, the whining?  The testiness, the exhaustion, and the debt?  What if I told you that all of this is optional?  This is your freakin’ Christmas too, dammit.  You have a right to pick how you spend it.  

I once went to a pre-holiday shopping event at my friend Diana’s house. Her display of delectable holiday goodies amazed me, her homemade hot buttered rum impressed me.  Diana told me that she already had sent her Christmas cards-in October- to a place in Alaska called “North Pole” so that her envelopes would have that whimsical postmark.  She also made her girls a truly unbelievable scrapbook every year as a gift, complete with fabulous quotes she found inspiring and apropos- in her handwriting so gorgeous it should be a font.  When I left her house, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until February.   How could I ever measure up to this perfection?  My handwriting doesn’t look like that!  I didn’t know people actually drank hot buttered rum, let alone made it at home! I was completely confounded about her ability to mail Christmas cards from the North freakin’ Pole in October- a picture card of course, where her girls are wearing matching velvet pinafores and Mary Janes, curled hair, and serene expressions on their beautiful faces.  My Christmas photo that I took of my boys had been taken on December 23^rd, under extreme duress, and possibly death threats.  I’m not sure, I think I blocked it out after I saw my older son put his baby brother in a headlock.  

Then something interesting happened to my friend Diana.  She called me a few days before Christmas- hysterical.  I thought something truly awful had happened to her, and I braced myself for her response when I asked her what was wrong.  Diana told me her family had cut themselves a magnificent tree in the mountain woods and dragged it home.  It was so wide that it wouldn’t fit through the front door- and she lost her cookies, right then and there.  Because her friggin perfect Christmas tree from the magic forest didn’t fit through the door.   I tried to console her, but she had already gone bat-shit crazy from the ridiculous, intense pressure she had put on herself to make a very Martha Stewart Christmas.  After the hyperventilating, sobbing, shaking and crying was over (I wish I was exaggerating. I’m not), she told me of all the tasks she hadn’t done yet-small things, like buying presents for her family- and proceeded to get a nasty migraine that kept her in her cold dark bedroom for the next few days, and Christmas.  I think her holiday was spent snuggled up next to her bottle of Imitrex  with a cool cloth on her head.  Not a very merry Christmas for Diana.

Sometime after the “too fat Christmas tree debacle”, I realized that I , too, was doing things that I thought my family cared about, but didn’t.  When I didn’t get a thank you or a pat on the back, I got pissy.  I put so much pressure on myself to make every Christmas so wonderful, that I was actually running myself ragged, making myself crazy, and I always got sick the week before the big day.   

While discussing this problem with my friend and fellow coach Connie Larson, we discovered a way to make sure that everyone in the family has the Christmas season that they want.  We came up with a series of questions that has freed us from much of the holiday hysteria we used to encounter. Here are the magic questions…

What are your top 3 holiday memories and why ?

What are 3 foods you can’t live without eating during the holidays?

What are 3 of your favorite holiday smells?

What are 3 things you want to see at Christmastime?

What kind of music, TV shows, or movies to you want to hear or watch?

Where do you want to go and who do you want to see during the holiday season? 

Don’t forget to answer these questions yourself. The object of these questions is to get your loved ones focused on what they want to feel over the holidays, so that you don’t run around guessing and spending time and money on things that no one cares about.  It is also a very easy way to track that everyone is experiencing their favorite things during this special time.  Now that you have compiled the list of holiday want to’s- say NO to anything that isn’t on the list.  Unless something extra makes you and your family feel good, don’t do it.  If you need permission, I’m giving it to you.  It feels great to focus on the feelings you want to have more than you focus on buying.  It truly does feel better to FEEL than FILL.  

Get Your Flake On

I would imagine that the organizers of the Oscars are pretty perturbed with Eddie Murphy right now.  He just bailed out of hosting the academy awards after learning that his friend, producer Brett Ratner,  resigned (long story, google it).  Normally, I would think- "Wow, what a prima donna.  He made a commitment, he should stick to it."  Now I'm not so sure.  The situation under which he made the agreement had changed.  Maybe he decided he didn't feel good about doing the show without his friend for whatever reason.  So he backed out.  It happens all the time.

I was supposed to be somewhere else today.   A dear friend invited me to take part in a life coaching clinic with her at a huge conference in downtown San Francisco.  We were to be volunteers, laser coaching participants in 15-20 minute sessions for several hours.  It was for a good cause, but not anything near or dear to my heart. But my friend was excited about it, so I was excited about it.

My friend called me last weekend to tell me she broke her leg and was now unable to drive, much less hobble around a large convention center.  I soon realized that I was now committed to go to this event alone-where the organizers were expecting 30,000 people.  Where I didn't know a soul, and my only anchor to this event was stuck at home, laid up and unable to participate.  My friend later told me she was really surprised by my terror,  because I am such an extrovert and never seem to shy away from a social occasion. True, I told her, but on my terms.  She had no idea that crowds give me hives, and that the thought of being there without her literally made me ill.  A wave of nausea washed over me, and then I tried to talk myself into going to the event alone. Try as I might, I couldn't let go of the sick feeling I had inside, or the urge to run for the hills.

So, I did the irresponsible thing and cancelled. Yeah, I did. Even though I had committed to being there to volunteer my time and talents for a good cause.  Even though I knew the organizer was probably having a hard enough time replacing one coach,  and now,  I was asking her to replace two.  Even though it was a great opportunity to create new business contacts and meet potential new clients.  I didn't even have any sort of scheduling conflict I could blame, although it did run through my mind that I could make up a story.  Yes, I could lie and tell the organizer that I wasn't actually flaky, but this pretend thing had happened to me and so I just couldn't make it to the event, and sorry, sorry, sorry.....etc. But, that's not what I did.  I told her the truth.  I told her that I knew that I had committed to this event, but now that the situation had changed (i.e., my friend can't be there, and now, I don't want to be there without her), and I was very uncomfortable participating alone.  I gave her a week's notice to find someone else.  I wished her luck and told her I was genuinely sorry that I felt I needed to back out.  I'm sure she's pissed, and I totally understand why she would be.
 

Here's the thing I want to discuss- the situation that I had agreed to be a part of changed.  When I made the agreement, it was to be my friend and I, super buddies, volunteering and saving the world...blah blah blah.  But she broke her leg....and for me, that changed the game.  Even a few years ago, backing out would have been unthinkable to me.  I would have gone to the event, after dreading it for a week, felt queasy, fulfilled my obligation, and then been pissed off at myself for following through with something that didn't feel good to me.  Because I used to do things all the time that felt icky to me, and I used to think I had no choice. I would have acted on thoughts like "Once you make a commitment, you stick to it.  No matter what.  Just buck up and get it done."  What I have realized after years of working to become my most authentic self, is that I can sometimes change my mind when the parameters of situation I agreed to change.

Crazy, right? I can change my mind, even if the only reason is cuz I don't want to.  I've learned that it is important for me to consider my feelings as well as the feelings of others when I make a commitment.  Since coming upon this radical idea, my life has become immeasurably better, lighter and happier.  I almost always do what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it- but now I give myself an escape hatch in case of "feeling icky" about it.  And you know what? People get over it.  Because I am reliable 99% of the time to other people.  It's just that now I'm reliable 100% of the time to me.

Controlling, Critical and Splitter Vampires

The last three vampire types according to Dr. Judith Orloff are:

The Controlling Vampire-

This vampire starts sentences with “You know what you need to do about that is…..” 

They want to tell you how to feel and what to do and who you are supposed to be. 

Remember the movie Sleeping With the Enemy? 

Yeah, like him. 

Things need to be a certain way- his way, or they are wrong. 

There are policies and procedures that only he knows, but he thinks his yardstick is the only one to measure by. 

He’s not really controlling in his eyes, he’s just right.

How can he help it?

Controller Kryptonite-

A CHEERFUL BACKBONE.  

Thank the controller vampire for their concern or input, and then tell them that you’d like to try it your way.  

Or, hmm, I didn’t think of it that way.  

Or- how interesting! 

Then walk away.  

Do not get into a pissing contest with a controller vampire- they have a will of steel and will argue their point until a murder/suicide feels like a good option. 

The Critical Vampire-

A close cousin of the controlling vampire is the criticizing vampire, who feels it is their mission to let you know just where you fall short and where you need improvement. 

They really feel they are being helpful by judging you and giving “constructive feedback” because if they don’t tell you, how will you ever improve? 

When you’re in the presence of a critical vampire, your self-esteem goes into the toilet, you question your worth, your choices and your sanity.

It’s all the more confusing because many times this vampire is someone close to you who is telling you for your “own good”. 

Critical Kryptonite-

CONFIDENCE-

Tell the criticizer that you hear what they are saying, but when they behave in a critical manner, it makes it hard for you to listen. 

Let them know that their criticism doesn’t feel helpful, the source and think about how hard it must be for the criticizer to live in their own head, where they are way more critical of themselves than they are of you.  

Don’t beat yourself up if that doesn’t really make you feel any better, but just consider it.

The Splitter Vampire-

This borderline personality disorder of a vampire sees things in black and white, good and bad, love and hate- with nothing in between. 

First you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, then you are the hair in their soup. 

This vampire is skilled at pitting people against each other, spreading lies, acting out in hateful rages, and keeping people off balance for fear of inciting their wrath. 

They give mixed messages like “I hate you/Don’t leave me.” 

Dealing with a splitter vampire will keep you unsettled, nervous, feeling persecuted and guarded with your true feelings. 

You do not want to get on the wrong side of this vampire.

Splitter Kryptonite-

BIG FAT HAIRY INPENATRABLE BOUNDARY- 

Expect nothing from this person because you can expect anything  from this person. 

Go into any interaction with this person with your big huge imaginary bubble of white light around you and try to remain in your most peaceful state of neutrality. 

Refuse to be taken by surprise and expect the unexpected.  

If all else fails, run!

Remember that you choose who you spend your time with, where you work and who you love.  

Do not accept an emotional vampire’s negativity by playing by their rules.

Exercise your right to self-determination and spend time with those who nurture you, support you, make you laugh, and make you feel seen and heard.

  

You deserve no less.

The Narcissist and Victim Vampires

Dr. Judith Orloff identifies five emotional vampire types in her book “Emotional Freedom”.

They are:

1) The Narcissist

2) The Victim 

3) The Controller

4) The Criticizer 

5) The Splitter

The Narcissist Vampire-

You know that joke-“Enough about me, what do YOU think about me?” 

Yup, that’s a narcissist. 

Everything is about them.

They believe they are extremely special, love the spotlight, and feel very entitled to attention and admiration. 

They are dangerous because they lack empathy and have a very limited ability to love. 

The Narcissist Vampire can be very charming- but it’s a ruse to obtain your sympathy, attention, admiration, soul...

Narcissist Kryptonite- DISINTEREST.

Do NOT try to please this person- you will end up in an inescapable black hole of emotional need. 

You will never measure up, do enough, or be enough. 

Make sure that you keep your boundaries up, yourself centered, and do not fall for any new bait- which consists of more drama and emotional hooks.

The Victim Vampire-

Debby Downer or Needy Neighbor.

“Poor me, woe is me, everyone is mean to me, I am a martyr, and nothing is ever my fault.” 

It’s always someone else putting him in a bad situation. 

“I’m the black sheep, I never get promoted, I never get to do what I want, other people are trying to keep me down, they’re jealous of me...etc.” 

Here in America, victimhood is a choice- but you’d never know it coming from this vampire. 

You’ll know you’ve hit your limit with a victim if you never want to answer her calls, stall making plans,

feel drained by her requests for time, assistance or attention, her neediness pulls you into a funk.

Victim Kryptonite- DISENGAGEMENT.

You can say, “I’m sorry that happened and I can see you are very upset about this situation. I can listen for a few minutes- but you need to come up with a strategy to overcome this problem.” 

Feeling sorry for our selves rarely helps anything, so suggest a serving of gratitude with a helping of optimism and call it a day.

Next time we will look at controller and criticizer vampires.